{hidden in her words and eyes} 
http://20six.co.uk/casualty
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slapdash
Somewhere Over The Fucking Rainbow
Irritablility has always been a lovely little feature in my sparkling personality. I get annoyed so easily I'm surprised I haven't killed anyone yet. The last word in that sentence being the most crucial. I have no problem with the high self-expectancy of me snapping and becoming a serial killer. You got to roll with the punches sometimes. Stupidity is breeding, a harsh truth that is not limited to and I'm sure not only an opinion of myself.
The internet seems to be the virtual playground of these dumbasses. You may also find them at the mall, most of them can be heard from far away with that stupid chirping noise coming out of their cell phones. Screen names and user names littered with x's and abbreviations(example: OMGximxxxa?xxfucktard1!11xxx). Or something about how they loathe themselves is my personal favorite. We all suck at life, we all vent it but when people roll their eyes and sigh that might be a hint to shut the hell up. Call me insensitive, cause I still love when you talk dirty to me, but I've hung up on lots of people while they spilled the problems of their bullshit lives on me. Sure, sometimes I stayed around long enough to spit out advice because I swallowed a human and the bitch is still kickin'.
One of the many reasons I've shut myself off from the world is because I can't fucking stand it. These days if you want to even say "Hello" to me don't expect anything less than a bitch slap. On the other hand if you say "Hi" I would reply "Yes" and then kick you in the knee, laughing hysterically as I run away. I can't even stand my own family as anyone with a brain surely can't. The only time I see them is when they make food arrangements. Even if I annouce beforehand that I am not hungry I will still get a long and laborious list of different foods thrown at me. To anyone else it may seem a simple and kind gesture that no one wants you to go hungry and wouldn't be annoying at all, and it is the first fifty million times. But sometimes I find myself springing in the air with a shout of, "I said I wasn't fucking hungry! That means that I don't want any food at this particular time! Unless I have a smile on my face when I say it and you offer me chocolate ice cream but until I wear this wonderful frown on my face shut the fuck up unless you would like to beaten to a torturous death with a twig!"
Outside of all of this my most recent annoyance are the mongoloid kernels that refuse to metamorphize into a sticky, delicious treat for me to consume at the bottom of the popcorn bag.
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Useless Information
I'm not stable in any sense of the word. Mentally? Most people would think of mental stability once you spit out that word at them. I never did have it and now I've lost it again. Emotionally? Of course not, recent abandonment has fueled my fear of it(kleenex anyone?). Physically? Today I forced down a piece of cheese because I love it and it has protein. Lack of food and chain smoking does nothing for balance. To keep myself from slipping further I just keep taking my sleeping pills. They still don't work properly and I will have to return to the doctors to get some new ones. When I am awake I try to do my best to keep away from phones and keep my attention on something else. I'm running out of places to hide though. So Tuesday I will possibly be meeting up with a person I know who will hopefully be providing me with some long awaited Vicoden and then we will shop for three hours. I plan on spending some serious cash, the only thing I have to look forward to. I'm still in the act of spiralling, I just haven't hit bottom yet. I'm still unsure if I missed the comfort in being sad.
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Persist And Worsen
I went to the doctors today. Last time I went for my cold, which has gone down to an occassional bad cough, I told him how I was no sleeping even with the aid of a powerful medication I have taken for years now. He told me to increase it and if it doesn't work to come back. I have increased it with no progress so I saw him today. He just gave me the same medication but at an even higher dosage. I also explained to him of my recent stress and with that stress my intense headaches. So he gave me an anti-anxiety medication and thinks the headaches are migraines. He gave me pills for that and also a slip to go to the hospital and have a CAT scan. I hate those things. In other uninteresting news I am thinking about moving in with my aunt. I am already stressed out enough and living at home again just adds more. Also I'm taking the semester off from college. There is no way I can focus on school right now. I plan to learn how to drive and eventually get a job. That is of course if things go well and they just always seem to with me.
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No, Just Bad
Good note of the day: My lovely boots finally arrived. Overshadowing bad note: I have a hangover, been stabbed in the back a second and third time by the same person which has cause my already deflated mental, physical, and emotional well being hoping for expiration. God it's been a lovely day. Everything's been going my way. I fucked myself in the ass today and I'M ON FIRE!
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Picking Locks
I have mentioned this topic enough that it should be obvious that it is an actual occurrence in my life and not something I hope to get feedback on. I have dealt with it quitely in a previous relationship that I never should have gotten into. I learned not to be quiet, to voice my opinions loud, clear and within reason. A relationship is about being open and honest, communication is key. But lately I've been tired of hearing myself sounding like a broken record. She listens for a short while if at all and then the cycle repeats. I haven't taken a back seat to her friends, they're riding in a limo as I walk. I admit to being a jealous and needy person and I know very well that I have to work on it. I don't have a problem with her seeing her friends but when it is almost everyday for hours at a time or the whole day just to do the same thing over and over it does bother me. It seems once they call or are over I turn invisible, she will tell me that she will call back in minutes or return as soon as she can but then never does. That also would not bother me if it weren't for the frequency of it. I always tell her how it makes me feel and she sincerely feels bad and will spend the rest of the day and then the next making it up but after that she's gone again. I've decided to give up saying anything. I know it could build up and become a bigger issue which is something I hate but I don't see another way. I have talked with a few people, some close friends and some professionals and all of them agree with me but still part of me believes that I am being unreasonable. Either way caged emotion is never anything less than dangerous.
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Take Up Thy Stethoscope And Walk
I began to get a sore throat about a week and a half ago. It seemed to go away for a while but then hit me about three days ago. That night I got quite drunk but I couldn't fall asleep, I had sinus pressure so badly that my teeth hurt. I hate to take any medicine but some Sudafed helped me get some broken sleep. Yesterday I would get winded just speaking and couldn't make out a sentence without coughing. I downed some Nyquil which took two hours to put me to sleep. I woke up this morning barely able to talk so I decided not to be stubborn anymore. I hate going to the doctors though and find it sad for those who whenever they have even just a little spot of cold they rush to the doctors. I have a perfectly good immune system and there is no point in having it if I don't use it. But when it's getting hard to breathe giving in seems the only option.
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Guerilla Undies
While driving in the car... Mom: Is that a thong you have on? Me: You mean ass floss? Why yes, a g-string in fact. It's been up my crack so long it's getting discolored. *snaps it* Mom: You're such a fucking lady. Me: Don't you fucking forget it.
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