Irritablility has always been a lovely little feature in my sparkling personality. I get annoyed so easily I'm surprised I haven't killed anyone yet. The last word in that sentence being the most crucial. I have no problem with the high self-expectancy of me snapping and becoming a serial killer. You got to roll with the punches sometimes. Stupidity is breeding, a harsh truth that is not limited to and I'm sure not only an opinion of myself.

The internet seems to be the virtual playground of these dumbasses. You may also find them at the mall, most of them can be heard from far away with that stupid chirping noise coming out of their cell phones. Screen names and user names littered with x's and abbreviations(example: OMGximxxxa?xxfucktard1!11xxx). Or something about how they loathe themselves is my personal favorite. We all suck at life, we all vent it but when people roll their eyes and sigh that might be a hint to shut the hell up. Call me insensitive, cause I still love when you talk dirty to me, but I've hung up on lots of people while they spilled the problems of their bullshit lives on me. Sure, sometimes I stayed around long enough to spit out advice because I swallowed a human and the bitch is still kickin'.

One of the many reasons I've shut myself off from the world is because I can't fucking stand it. These days if you want to even say "Hello" to me don't expect anything less than a bitch slap. On the other hand if you say "Hi" I would reply "Yes" and then kick you in the knee, laughing hysterically as I run away. I can't even stand my own family as anyone with a brain surely can't. The only time I see them is when they make food arrangements. Even if I annouce beforehand that I am not hungry I will still get a long and laborious list of different foods thrown at me. To anyone else it may seem a simple and kind gesture that no one wants you to go hungry and wouldn't be annoying at all, and it is the first fifty million times. But sometimes I find myself springing in the air with a shout of, "I said I wasn't fucking hungry! That means that I don't want any food at this particular time! Unless I have a smile on my face when I say it and you offer me chocolate ice cream but until I wear this wonderful frown on my face shut the fuck up unless you would like to beaten to a torturous death with a twig!"

I have already made a decision to take off at least a semester from college. With my sudden heartbreak I knew I could not focus on school work and it would be a waste of money and time. Also I was going in the direction of being in the feild of social work but now I am unsure of so many things. I know I want to finally learn how to drive. I deeply regret not learning when I was of minimal age to do so and it has hindered my life in many ways. I am also planning to take up a job to earn cash for the car, insurance, any other indulgent shopping sprees, and so forth. With my taking time off to focus on things I need and want equally I have come up with something more to add to the list. I have mentioned many times before that I have always wanted to go to the United Kingdom. With cash coming in and time to finally do it I see it as the perfect time before I get into something more serious and time consuming. I plan to visit a few of my lovely blog friends (ok, only two) and also possibly an ex who some people famously know as we are on good terms and the past is surely behind me. Further planning is obviously in order but I have faith that I may buy those promised drinks to those who have helped me along the way.

I'm not stable in any sense of the word. Mentally? Most people would think of mental stability once you spit out that word at them. I never did have it and now I've lost it again. Emotionally? Of course not, recent abandonment has fueled my fear of it(kleenex anyone?). Physically? Today I forced down a piece of cheese because I love it and it has protein. Lack of food and chain smoking does nothing for balance.

To keep myself from slipping further I just keep taking my sleeping pills. They still don't work properly and I will have to return to the doctors to get some new ones. When I am awake I try to do my best to keep away from phones and keep my attention on something else. I'm running out of places to hide though. So Tuesday I will possibly be meeting up with a person I know who will hopefully be providing me with some long awaited Vicoden and then we will shop for three hours. I plan on spending some serious cash, the only thing I have to look forward to.

I'm still in the act of spiralling, I just haven't hit bottom yet. I'm still unsure if I missed the comfort in being sad.

I went to the doctors today. Last time I went for my cold, which has gone down to an occassional bad cough, I told him how I was no sleeping even with the aid of a powerful medication I have taken for years now. He told me to increase it and if it doesn't work to come back. I have increased it with no progress so I saw him today. He just gave me the same medication but at an even higher dosage. I also explained to him of my recent stress and with that stress my intense headaches. So he gave me an anti-anxiety medication and thinks the headaches are migraines. He gave me pills for that and also a slip to go to the hospital and have a CAT scan. I hate those things.

In other uninteresting news I am thinking about moving in with my aunt. I am already stressed out enough and living at home again just adds more. Also I'm taking the semester off from college. There is no way I can focus on school right now. I plan to learn how to drive and eventually get a job. That is of course if things go well and they just always seem to with me.

I've heard many times that patience is a virtue. I have the capacity to wait for long periods of time but not shorter ones. I've been waiting and stressing over a call I never get. So I chose not to anymore. I keep wondering if this decision is marked too much in my need to believe that I can walk away, like a false strength. Yet the other way I'm a fool. I can't keep yo-yoing back and forth, I'm putting my unsure foot down. Either way I go has the potential of happiness in the end but this way allows for so much more. I think it's scary falling in love for the first time and even more frightening the second. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've grown so much in the past year and I need to keep growing because I'm still so far behind.

It's a shame it has to be this way. I was so comfortable and happy because I was always myself and always accepted as nothing less. But I won't wait for anyone, I will get what I want and not settle. It's an empowering sadness. Maybe some other time...

{blood(note to self)}

You can bite your lip as hard as you want

For days on end you can squeeze your eyes shut

You hide it so well but they'll be able to tell without a sob

You can fight any battle worth winning alone

But it will take years and it will take tears and blood

It will gradually creep and happily sneak the cruelest of crawls

It will take steady standing and fake many landings on all of your falls

Somedays a smile will somehow find you when you feel that long ago you died

And you swear you've given up again until you wake up alive

If you open the window you might as well open the door

Or are you afraid that no one's coming in anymore?

If what's inside for a second chance doesn't quite make the cut

Will you retreat into defeat and keep it forever shut?

You may not be alright but you'll make it all the same

Your fingers will be tired from pointing the blame

And bitterness makes your shell a little harder to crack

Makes it all worth the amount of blood you lack

If I turned from black to white

Would it connect your heart and eyes?

If I retreat, return, repeat

Would I still be a ghost in the backseat?

Such inquests must be amiss

For results recieved pull this beating mass further down

Words are weights too trying to dismiss

Burdened in silence's mouth

Approaching slow until sudden stop

To aching joints I drop

Secrets recite in one sound

Knees growing roots in the ground

Resonating ring long after the pause

With no resolution found

Ground in teeth and blurred in cause

Swallowed by silence's mouth